I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
