if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
