My Higher Power is John Stamos
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
