My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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