They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
