I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
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