i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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