There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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