so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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