So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
