Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize