I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
