just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
