I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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