Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
