Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
There are leaves in my underwear?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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