Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
