is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
