So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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