Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
