guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
