I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
