I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
