Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Are these your boobs on my camera?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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