It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
