Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
