you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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