meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
