im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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