at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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