If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
