what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
