his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
