Umm I'm too high to move.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
