She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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