you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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