I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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