Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
