I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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