the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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