Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
