Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
