I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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