Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
