My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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