the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
