BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
