did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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