Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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