if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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