Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
