He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
